Its been a while...

Its been a while and for that I am most sorry:(
Life has been a rollercoaster ride these past few months.
I have been really struggling. Its christmas in a few days time and I hope that the new year will be a better one for me and anyone else out there struggling with an ED and or depression:)
Just keeping this short but letting you know that I will probably start posting more regularly in the new year:)

Sending you christmas love and some hope for the new year....
Bye for now:)

When will this nightmare end?

So tired of the constant war in my head.
I want to recover but truth is there is so much keeping me stuck in this illness.
I hate that it affects people around me. Its my own private struggle but it hurts those around me too. I'm feeling really lost. So unproductive aswell. Anything I set out to do during the day is always interrupted by ED thoughts and behaviours. I know I need more treatment but I am not yet ready to face that. I actually feel all "hospitalled" out! I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet in the real world. I am scared of "adult" responsibilities. I am scared of growing up. I long for the safety of childhood. But truth is~reality is, my childhood was far from safe. Maybe back in the womb of my mother, curled up in a warm and comforting foetal position. That is often how I lay myself to sleep at night because i associate that position with feeling safe and protected from the outer world. This world scares me. it is so unpredictable. Why is it that bad things happen to good people? Why did Dad have to die of cancer? I sometimes wish it were me that died. He did not deserve this. I deserved and should have died many times...close calls in emergency for my heart and organs. Life is a strange thing. All I know is I must be here for a reason. I just wish I knew what for. I need a purpose and reason to live. Atm the only thing I am hanging onto is anorexia that is all I live for. I have lost so many friends because of this disease. it is a lonely and isolating existence. One which i would not wish upon anyone.

Life is hard. I am really struggling at the moment.
Things at home are not good. my sister is making it even more difficult to get myself on track. I am moving into my own apartment in 2 weeks and i know that things will be easier once I am out of home. I can't sleep at night and when i finally do get to sleep the sun rises and shines its unforgiving rays through my window and skylight. I put my pillow over my head and hide under my covers wishing I could get some rest. Some peace and quiet from the thoughts that are constantly in my head.

Come into my world!I am a woman . . . I am a girl . . . A confessed daydreamer who gets lost all the time. Writing and painting are great outlets for me. I'm timid at first but with time I open up. Gardenias and Iris' are my favourite flowers. I am easily touched, easily hurt. I believe that smiles are golden and that tears make the heart lighter. I really respect psychologists and nurses. Natural Therapies strengthen and heal me. I love a rainy day just as much as the sun. I put others before myself. Love breaks my heart. I believe eye contact is so powerful. I want to be fluent in French and Spanish. I wish I embraced the physical body as secondary to spiritual. I long for intellectual conversation and wise philosophical people inspire me to be a better person.. I wish to travel the world. I still feel very young at times. I love how a piece of art can evoke a thousand thoughts and how a song can instantly take you back to a special moment or remind you of something you have been through. I am very ambitious so much so I don't know how and where to begin. I love people watching but don't like being watched. I see exercising the mind as important as the body. I like to be alone but never like to feel lonely. The little things in life inspire me. I'm grounded but use my wings when I need them. I believe physical contact is nourishing. I wish I took better care of my teeth. I miss fairy bread and tutus. I'm tempted to get more tattoos. I think religion and faith should unite not divide us. My camera is a dear friend of mine. I crave sincere attention. I sleep with a teddy called Mochachino.I am a good listener. I have a mole on the outside of my left eye. So nice to meet you!!
We must NEVER GIVE UP HOPE of an ED free life~Be it your journey, a loved ones or even just your curiousity into understanding Eating Disorders, I am more than happy to talk so feel free to message me:)

Keep fighting and thankyou for your support.
Love, light and PEACE WITHIN:)Chelsea. xxx