So tired of the constant war in my head.
I want to recover but truth is there is so much keeping me stuck in this illness.
I hate that it affects people around me. Its my own private struggle but it hurts those around me too. I'm feeling really lost. So unproductive aswell. Anything I set out to do during the day is always interrupted by ED thoughts and behaviours. I know I need more treatment but I am not yet ready to face that. I actually feel all "hospitalled" out! I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet in the real world. I am scared of "adult" responsibilities. I am scared of growing up. I long for the safety of childhood. But truth is~reality is, my childhood was far from safe. Maybe back in the womb of my mother, curled up in a warm and comforting foetal position. That is often how I lay myself to sleep at night because i associate that position with feeling safe and protected from the outer world. This world scares me. it is so unpredictable. Why is it that bad things happen to good people? Why did Dad have to die of cancer? I sometimes wish it were me that died. He did not deserve this. I deserved and should have died many times...close calls in emergency for my heart and organs. Life is a strange thing. All I know is I must be here for a reason. I just wish I knew what for. I need a purpose and reason to live. Atm the only thing I am hanging onto is anorexia that is all I live for. I have lost so many friends because of this disease. it is a lonely and isolating existence. One which i would not wish upon anyone.
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ohhh my dear is very sad this coment¡¡¡ i love you, i understand you, be strong my sweet heart.
ReplyDeleteThe reason to live is in yourself, never lose yourself,¡¡¡ i want to help you to find the way, here you have a friend, im your friend, because i want to help you, but you have to work with me in this battle, i also relapse sometimes, and i feel that it is the beggining, but later i realised that is not the begining is the process, baby steps.
ReplyDeletelove
the way is that you just try to recover, do it for your father, do you think your father wants this illness for you'? He wants a healthy daughther, he wants the best for you¡¡¡ he will be very proud of you if you try to recover i'm going to help you. he sends you his force, too..he loves you
ReplyDeleteyou are right - there IS a reason that you are still living. that's why you need to stick around, so that you can figure out what it is and LIVE it. *hugs* for you sweetie because i feel how badly you are hurting... i promise it's possible to come out on the other side.
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shanzeeegirl